Friends Don’t Let Friends Use A Snuggie

Tragically, I discovered this weekend that one of my friends has bought, and uses, a snuggie.

For the record, the Snuggie-owner is one of my close personal friends, and I respect and admire her opinion on pretty much everything. In fact, this was the first instance I can remember our opinions being so vastly different on any particular subject.

But despite all the esteem and deference I have for this person, it does not overwhelm this basic truth: No one should own a snuggie.

As anyone who had a proper childhood is aware, the snuggie was originally known as a Thneed, which was a multi-purpose object knitted from the tufts of the truffula tree. A video documented the production of the Thneed can be viewed below:

Of course, despite the warnings of The Lorax, the truffula tree’s were over-harvested and have been extinct for many centuries. This is why, when the snuggie first starting wasting infomercial time in 2008, it was such a shock to the general public.

Currently, scientists have no idea what materials are used to make the current pop culture phenomenon known as “The Snuggie.” We can only assume it’s a combination of rare materials, such as BP Oil, the organs of Iraqi Soldiers, and whatever is keeping Helen Thomas alive.

On a more serious note, actual hard work and research (two things Fing Bing is not typically known for) discovered that a product called the Slanket was created in Maine back in the late 90s. Apparently, creator Gary Clegg got the idea when “his mother made him a blanket with a single sleeve for use in his cold dorm room.”

You read that right. A single sleeve. For a single arm. In a dorm room.

I think it’s fairly obvious why a second sleeve wasn’t required, since any wearer of a Slanket clearly isn’t going out much…