Dear Rainn Wilson,
We first want to tell you that we absolutely love your show. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, will you sign this? Okay, okay, I’ll try and make this as quick and painless as possible. We all love you, but we’re a little worried about how you’re going to take this. Your brand of humor on “The Office” is phenomenal. You’re one of the best dead pan geniuses since Steven Wright (don’t tell him we said that.) But there’s something we have to tell you. You look…like Newt Gingrich.
Now wait! Before you go running off to get surgery, change your name, and move to New Zealand (they employ beet farmers in New Zealand right?) we need to clarify: you look like Newt in the 70s. Right, we know that’s not better.
Also, we’d like to bring up that your uncanny resemblance is not our fault. Blame that on genetics. We really want to apologize, in advance, for the number of photos of you that will appear next to Newt’s in the coming days/weeks. Also the numerous amounts of jokes, internet memes, and hilarious video mashups that will put your two names together forever in internet history.
Again, our sincere apologies. Love and hugs!
The Internet
Copyright Wonder-Tonic
I’ve learned to stop questioning all the weird things I come across on the Internet. I’ve accepted the fact that there are many people out there with a lot of time on their hands who come up with ideas I can’t even begin to fathom. If they want to Photoshop muppets with human eyes, who am I to judge? All I know is that this Internet meme makes me laugh and cower in slight fear (most notably the Miss Piggy picture).
The Tumblr account is short but sweet and I hope they add more photographs because I’m far from satisfied. You can never have too many pictures of muppets with real eyes. The pictures aren’t just limited to The Muppets. You also have a Fraggle Rock character on there and Big Bird. All you need to know is that you have human eyes replacing theirs and it’s scary. It’s almost as scary as your face.
Behold the wonder of Photoshop and enjoy.
There is no doubt that the Internet is ruled by cats. While the American pop culture of old is full of dog stories (Old Yeller, FernGully, Scooby Doo) the internet is the realm of the feline. Popular websites like lolcats cater to cat fanciers everywhere. Cyber celebrity cats like Maru get millions of hits on YouTube.
Some people suspect this is due to the fact the Internet is more of an indoor activity. Indoor people are more likely to have cats than dogs. Others say it is a well-executed publicity campaign at the hands of cats. All that is clear is that in the enduring battle of cat vs. dog cats have clawed their way to the top of the web.
Dogs are not taking it lying down however. They are fighting back with websites like loldogs and funny videos of dogs surfing and skateboarding. It is an uphill battle but the future of dog kind depends on it.
In terms of internet popularity dogs are more popular than horses, lizards, fish, snakes and spiders. Those pets where never that popular to begin though. Also horses are weird and belong only in racetracks.
Well cats continue to dominate the Internet? Only time will tell.
NPR’s archive of programing online has helped bored computer based workers get through long days for almost a decade. Programs like This American Life, Radiolab, and Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me, are all available free, 24 hours a day, from NPR’s website. Chances are if you work entails being chained to a computer this comes as no surprise for you. Unfortunately NPR’s funding is on the GOP chopping block, this is bad news for anyone with a computer.
For many agoraphobic computer nerds This American Life is the only link to the outside world. We can’t take that away from them!
Now that we know NPR is in trouble what can do to help it out? Well for one we can donate. Granted NPR is perpetually strapped for cash, but who isn’t? Besides they give you swag for donating. NPR gear is a great way to pick up like minded guys and gals. Donate and then show off your NPR gear at your favorite bar.
Second email your congress person and tell them not to cut NPR’s funding. Public radio is educational, uplifting, and adds to our national character. Many of us (me included) could do without the nine hour blocks of mind numbing jazz music but you have to take the good with the bad.
Every now and again a funny thing happens and the internet explodes with hilarity. Tweets are unloaded and everyone becomes a sharp and funny beacon of truth and laughs. Yesterday Mark Wahlberg basically said he could stop 9/11, several websites decided to black out to protest something Congress and the Senate were probably not going to pass anyway, and Paula Dean the Queen of butter and sugar got diabetes. Everyone became a comedian and it was great.
Today things should have been almost as fun. Rick Perry the mumble mouthed dope running for President dropped out of the race and decided to endorse Newt Gingrich. Then Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife said he once asked her for an open marriage. I wondered how this info might strike Twitter. Yet the classic Tweets did not seem to materialize. It saddened me a little but perhaps we were collectively burned out by yesterday’s busy news day. Maybe the idea of Newt Gingrich being in an open marriage was simply too gross to be funny.
Luckily there was a beacon of hope. A photograph of that old perv Newt that had to be shared and was better than any measly Tweet anyway. Ladies, Gentleman, web readers of all ages, I present Newt Gingrich Has Your Nose.
Where have we heard this news story before: 1. rights impeded; 2. people protest in some unsavory ways to combat unfair laws; 3. laws get stricter; 4. people revolt- it’s like a cycle that has been hitting every country. You think the U.S. in its current state of domestic affairs would be intelligent enough to avoid yet another blowout with citizens.
The intentions of the SOPA (the Stop Online Piracy Act) and PIPA (Protect Intellectual Property Act) bills were proposed in an effort to encourage property rights and prevent piracy in an unregulated space. However what they call for is a bit excessive and can actually deter online efforts for businesses and individuals alike. They actually extend so far as to infringe upon the rights of open sourcing and can spiral into problems. It would basically request major online entities to police their users. It also holds these sites responsible if users link to pirated content. This would also mean Internet providers would have to censor/block certain websites involved in digital file sharing (even though many of these files such as MP3s are now DRM free and should not be tagged). It defeats the purpose to establishing a free realm for information.
It’s enough that major players (Facebook, Google, Wikipedia, etc.) oppose it and are participating in and/or supporting a blackout, but that doesn’t mean we can’t poke fun with an Internet meme or two and several videos about the naivete of administration.
Enjoy!
Was sitting at home zoning in-and-out of an encore presentation of the Knicks game last night, and this commercial for one of the greatest condiments in the history of everything came on. May your colon forgive me, but I had to share this hilarious video.
Yes, that’s the girl from the original James Bond movie in 1962 endorsing Frank’s RedHot Sauce with the often-uttered phrase “I put that shit on everything!” AND she’s got a pearl necklace! This chick is filthy!
I’d describe this telelvision ad as being Super Bowl quality… not that it had me legitimately LOL-ing or anything, but that it’s a true shocker. Two in the pink, one in the stink, only in commercial form. The fancy setting and delicate music convinces the audience they’re likely viewing an advertisement for elitist financial advice or luxury cars with bows on them. Y’know, real one-percenter stuff.
Then all of a sudden this siren in a french maid outfit starts cursing up a storm about a college kids colon cleaner. It’s as outta-left-field as the idea that “The Big Bang Theory” is actually funny. Or is in it’s fifth season. Or is watched by anyone.
Most important footnote on this video… it’s funny because it’s true. Lovers of Frank’s RedHot will tell you the exact same thing this slutty grandma did; this shit belongs on everything. Personally, I haven’t tried it on cucumber sandwiches like this minimum wage wench apparently does on the reg, but I am most certainly considering it. Or at least I would, if I wasn’t deathly afraid of cucumbers.
This was the first commercial for the Top Hot Sauce I’d ever witnessed, and it’s a big victory for all things red, be they ants or communists or ninja turtles with attitude. For those unaware, human redheads are recent additions to the official Endangered Species List. In fact, the World’s Biggest Sperm Bank, Cryos International, recently announced they would no longer accept sperm that carry the red-headed gene. There are now more Taco Stands that feature Frank’s RedHot than there are Sperm Banks with redheaded human seed.
(Editor’s Note: A sperm bank called “Cryos”?? CRY-os!? Why would a place based on the idea of helping prospective parents grow children want to remind potential customers how much little babies cry?? That be like Burger King calling their new fries “Diabetos.”)
While the desire for red-headed sperm has gone down, the popularity of Frank’s RedHot has gone up, and will continue to go up, because Frank’s RedHot is the most delicious of hot sauces. I look forward to enjoying their products going forward almost as much as I look forward to enjoying their future commercials.
Bonus points for any commercial that features a monocle. Way to go, Frank!
“Shit Girls Say” has been spreading around the Internet faster than my last Herpes breakout. Haven’t seen the video? Click here immediately or be made fun of for not knowing a new Internet meme. Essentially a man dresses up like a chick and says things that girls say. It’s funny because it’s true! Currently they have three episodes, meaning it’s going to get old and not funny fast. Actually, Episode 3 is pretty terrible. Nothing beats the original, just like Law & Order!
But with a funny video comes a billion horrific parodies trying to harp on the original’s success. Because I’m a nice person, I can tell you don’t bother watching 99% of them. I’ve wasted too many precious minutes of my life not laughing. Whoever thought “Shit Asian Girls Say” would be funny clearly has a brain tumor. “Shit Black Guys Say” had so much potential and “Shit Fat People Say” was a train wreck. But I will steer you in the direction of one good parody, “Shit Princesses Say.” Now I should probably clarify that by “princess” they mean Peach from Mario. Need I say more? Seriously, I’m warning you, don’t watch any other parody. They are literally all terrible except for this one. Pure gold.
First, I know that most people will lose interest in a youtube video in about 30 seconds unless it contains baby animals falling asleep or people on bikes doing face plants. But I implore you to watch this video until the end.
It has an interesting Rube Goldberg (a very complex machine that does a simple task), a great soundtrack, and of course a cute hamster. Basically, this Brooklyn, NY artist created a machine that turns the page of a newspaper when he takes a sip of coffee.
Reaching out and actually turning the page? Nah. Far too simple. This requires several pencils, a few bowling balls, and did I mention the hamster? Go ahead, watch it through to the end (that’s where the hamster is anyway) You’ll most likely come away open mouthed and head slightly shaking but with a renewed sense of pride in the lengths people will go to to make a great youtube video.
Tim Tebow loves his God. And although he’s banned from wearing John 3 16 (largely known as the most popular Biblical verse) on his eyelids (who can paint small enough to fit bible verses on eyelids anyway?) his performance yesterday, in a record-setting 31.6 yards per completion, is mildly uncanny.
It seems to non-believers a great coincidence, but God, you’d think Tim Tebow could get a little more creative. Maybe if he weren’t such a blindly led sheep his team’s record would be a little better. In the meanwhile, I’ve been thinking about other popular Bible verses.
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 is a good one. It starts: There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens: 2 a time to be born and a time to die, and it goes on in this vein. Very all-encompassing.
John is one of the most quoted books, since it’s also the most mystical and abstruse in all the New Testament. It begins: In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. (NIV)
A bit more trusting than the old school version: In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. (NIV) Genesis 1:1
Although my personal favorite is from Paul: When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. Corinthians 13: 11, 12
I wonder if Tebow thinks of himself as a man before God.
